As much as it can be rewarding, adopting children can be very stressful to both parties, especially the parents. If you have adopted children in the past, you know how careful you need to be when you want to break out the truth to your child. In this article, you’ll find everything there is to know on how to tell your kid they’re adopted.
I have always told my parents that when I’m financially stable and want to have kids I would adopt instead of having biological children as it made more sense to me. Adoption is something I always regarded as holy and positive as it’s not a selfless act. I mean it fills a hole for the parents and the children. I’ll sleep better knowing I’m responsible for saving a child from the system and from society. I have a lot of love to give and I would do anything in my power to give it to those in need.
Even if I’m able to have biological children, I want to adopt as I don’t want to add more people to this dying planet. We already have limited resources on earth and they are diminishing day after day. Giving birth to another human being will not make it any better. Why would I have a child biologically when I can take care of another one who is in need of a home. If I’m stable enough to give birth to a child, I am stable enough to adopt. That is my logic.
Common Misconceptions On Adoption:
When I told my mom about my future plans, she told me that it’s not the same as having a “child of my own”. Honestly, that made me question what defines being a parent. Isn’t the essence of being a parent is to care for your child, to love them unconditionally, and to provide for them? Blood has nothing to do with being a good parent.
She, later on, told me that she couldn’t adopt as the idea of the child finding out then leaving her to find their birth mother would be unbearable. I personally wouldn’t mind if my child wanted to find their birth mother because that is their birthright. I also know that they’ll come back to me and I’ll welcome them with open arms. In a way, I have already made my peace with the idea of my child having two mothers.
Personally, I find it selfish to think of things like this when it comes to adopting. We should focus on the bigger picture which is raising a child, giving them a home, and showering them with love. Growing up in a loving home affects a person’s life deeply. It might even encourage them to adopt in the future seeing how much love they had growing up.
Gen Z And having kids:
What I really love about my generation (gen z) is how much thinking and planning we do when it comes to our future. We pay attention to every possible detail because we know the significance of what we are going into. It’s because we understand that we are responsible for every action we make, so we calculate every risk especially when it comes to starting a family. We will not have kids if we cannot afford to give them the life they deserve, or if we aren’t mentally stable enough to care for them.
How To Tell Your Kid They’re adopted:
Sometimes when I imagine my future with my kids, I wonder how I would tell them the truth when they are old enough to understand what that means. It can be a life-changer and traumatizing if not handled properly.
I have a distant cousin whose parents made the mistake of not telling him until he was 21 years old. He spiraled out of control. His parents has some trouble with him for a while. This is why it’s important to handle this situation with the utmost care and precaution.
Some parents believe that they can live their lives without telling their kids that they are adopted. This can be catastrophic as concealing your kids’ adoption can affect their lives immensely. It is not something to be hidden. A parent simply can’t choose whether or not to disclose the information as it’s not their place to make this decision.
Your kids must know because not only would they know more about themselves, but it would help them understand their genetics. And that would allow them to know if they are at risk of any genetic diseases.
Another downside of not telling your kids they are adopted is that they might find out from another source. They would feel more hurt. It is your job as their parent to enclose this information, not a family relative or a friend.
In preparing to tell my yet-to-be-born kids how I became their mother, I did some research and I found a lot of useful tips that will make the process much easier.
1- Read Books About Adoption:
Adoption is very common, so it makes sense to find books that will help you handle the situation better. A quick Google search will give you the best selling books on adoption, such as:
- Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge.
- Raising Adopted Children by Lois Ruskai Melina.
- Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past by Betsy Keefer Smalley and Jayne Schooler.
Take your time when reading these books and note down anything that sounds helpful. You might learn things you didn’t know before and that would help you a lot.
2- How To Tell Your Kid They’re Adopted When They Are Young:
One of the logical tips I found is telling your kid at a very young age. You can start at 3 years old. You can sit down with your child and explain to them how they have two sets of parents. It is essential to remind them of the love you have for them.
By the time they are old enough to understand the concept of adoption, you can go into more detail about their adoption process. You can also tell them about their biological parents when they ask.
A study has shown that when people discover the truth about their adoption at an older age, they are more likely to have massive feelings of anger and betrayal. They are also more prone to get depression and develop anxiety. This is life-changing information that is hard to digest.
3- Normalize Talking About Adoption:
In avoiding the subject, it becomes harder to talk to your kids about adoption as they rarely heard about it. You can add all the terms that point to adoption to your day-to-day life. This will make it easier to talk about the subject when you are ready.
4- Be Honest And Keep All Communication Channels Open:
You have to treat your child with the utmost respect by being totally honest with them. Tell them everything there is to know when that they are old enough to understand. This way, your child will be more trusting and won’t feel hurt.
You must also be open to answering all kinds of questions. If you chose to tell your kids at a young age, you must be ready to face their curiosity. The older a child gets, the more question they will have. You also must answer all of their inquiries without taking it personally.
At some point, they might stop bringing it up and you need to be ok with that. You are the parent and you need to be more understanding and supportive.
5- Seek Professional Support:
Sometimes, it is better to seek a family therapist who will guide you through the process. Especially if you believe that you can’t handle it or that it might be too traumatizing for your child. There are even adoption specialists who will help you and provide you with everything you might need.
Also read: Feeling Stuck In A Toxic Relationship – How To Identify It And What To Do.
Please note that you need to be ready to face your child’s emotions as they might find it difficult to accept this. You need to be supportive and loving no matter their reaction. You are the adult and you need to act like it.
Also, note that I am in no way or shape an expert. However, I did a great deal of research on the matter because it means a lot to me.
Good luck!
–Ehssan Elmedkouri.