Not all relationships are sunshine and rainbows. Some people go through hell in the name of love. Feeling stuck in a toxic relationship can be stressful and destructive. However, a person needs to know when it’s proper to fix the relationship and when it’s time to leave.
I’m the type of person who doesn’t date a lot and has never been in a long-term relationship. I never got to the “serious” part and that made me know what I want and don’t want in a relationship making it easy for me to find someone I truly want.
When in a relationship, a person must keep an eye out for all those negative moments and horrible arguments that we tend to quickly forget. We mustn’t focus just on those happy moments we had with our loved ones as those don’t define the entire relationship. It is in those dark moments that you truly know the person.
It can be difficult sometimes to see the pain someone brought us as we tend to focus on the happy memories and happy feelings instead. In remembering the good, humans forget the bad.
1- Identifying toxic signs in a relationship
It takes a lot of courage to admit that your relationship is toxic and that you are stuck in it, that the person you are dating doesn’t deserve your love. Sometimes, our gut feeling tells us when something is wrong in our relationships with people. All we need to do is listen.
From physical aggression to gaslighting, there are a lot of signs that show you that your relationship is simply toxic and that it needs to either be fixed or end.
– Manipulation and gaslighting
The holy grail of red flags in a toxic relationship is the manipulation and gaslighting duo. These two are the least detectable and most of the time can only be pointed out by people outside that relationship. The abuser will do everything in his power to make the abused question everything and doubt themselves. It’s a sneaky act that will affect the abused’s way of thinking and sense of judgment.
– Secrecy
Every person is entitled to their privacy but not when it comes at the expense of another person’s feelings. It can be healthy sometimes to keep a secret or two from your partner but not if it’s a big secret that might affect the other person’s life. No matter how well a person thinks they hid a secret, it will blow up someday right in their face and bring them down along with their loved ones.
– Physical abuse
Some people, may all the gods help them, can’t keep their hands to themselves when they get angry. Once in a heated argument, they start throwing whatever’s near them at the person they are talking to. Often, it gets bloody and horrifying. If your partner starts throwing things or fists at you, then it’s time to rethink your entire relationship.
– Verbal abuse
Since our mental health is just as important as our physical health, verbal abuse can be very damaging. Some partners tend to be defensive when it comes to abuse saying that they had never hit their loved ones yet still say unspeakable things to them just to hurt them and diminish them. Verbal abuse is as important as physical abuse. Just because your partner doesn’t physically abuse you doesn’t mean they aren’t abusive. Words tend to leave scars that never properly heal.
– Sexual abuse
Just because you are sexually active doesn’t mean that your partner gets to do whatever they want to whenever they want. Both parties in a relationship need to respect the boundaries the other person sets. Also, note that you can withdraw consent whenever you want. Don’t let your partner guilt-trip you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with. Loving a person doesn’t mean you letting them cross the line. If your partner doesn’t understand boundaries or tends to ignore them, they are abusing you and you don’t deserve that.
2- Communicating with your partner
Once you identify the red flags in your relationship, it is healthy to talk about them with your partner. You can sit down and let your feelings out. Keep your voice calm and your tone nice and get straight to the point. Remember that arguing won’t get you anywhere.
Sometimes, feeling stuck in a toxic relationship can be resolved with communication. Use this opportunity to set the records straight by telling your parents all of the things they have done in the past that caused you pain and discomfort. Also, note that these conversations can be crucial to determine your future as they will show you what kind of person you are dating. Some people tend to not notice what they do or say until it’s pointed out. This might be your chance to help them improve and grow into a better person. Communication is key after all, right?
If you think your partner might get physical, it’s better to have the conversation in a public place and to be safe.
3- Leaving if and when necessary
If you believe that your partner would never listen to you, then don’t waste your breath and just leave. Although that feeling you have of being stuck in a toxic relationship seems unescapable, I assure you it is. There is always a way out no matter your history.
If you have given your partner a chance to change and be a better partner yet they still lie and use you, it’s time to leave. I’ve seen wives leave their abusive husbands even when they had kids together and they thrived and became better people once they left.
We only live once and we deserve to be treated with respect and love. How can others respect us if we let abusive people walk all over us?
We are a mirror to the outside world, if we love and respect ourselves, the world will love and respect us back.
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4- Moving On
Once you leave that toxic relationship, it’s time to move on and never look back.
There are a couple of things that a person should pay attention to after breaking up with someone.
– Cut off all communication
A toxic person will do everything in their power to get you back, they like to have control over you and will try to manipulate you into coming back to them. Cutting off all communication is the healthiest thing you can do.
It will give you a chance to reflect on all of the things that happened and give you a chance to grow.
– Delete everything
If you want to truly move on, it is necessary to delete everything that reminds you of that person. You will avoid remembering those sweet moments you had which would only take you back to that person. You will also avoid remembering the pain they brought you. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
– Focus on yourself
After a breakup, you need to consider yourself like a fragile plant that had been sitting in the dark on the verge of perishing. In order to get better and eventually shine, that plant needs sun, water, and care. You need love, respect, and care too to grow and shine.
Take some time for yourself to heal and get to know yourself. You need to know what you want and don’t want in life. What hurts you and what brings you joy. This way you’ll avoid falling into the same situation with a different person.
It takes a great deal of effort to be at peace with who you are as a person and to love yourself. Water yourself and you’ll see how much you’ll flourish.
– Avoid rebounds
We, humans, tend to compare the people that come into our life. Dating someone new when you are still working on yourself can be painful to yourself and the person you date. Not only is it not fair but it’s also time and energy wasting.
When comparing a new relationship to an old one, you tend to remember all the things you tried so hard to forget and you end up ruining what you have. In remembering the past, we ruin our present.
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5- Things You should avoid in future relationships
Please note that you should take all of the time you need to get back out there. You aren’t in a rush.
With each bad experience we go through, we learn a lesson and we better use it when we meet someone new. We need to be alert since day one and not let kindness fool us. Just because we like the idea of being with someone doesn’t mean that we have to ignore the bad signs that we see.
You must keep an eye out for different red flags such as lying, cheating on their exes, indecisiveness, emotional immaturity, and much more.
Please remember that it’s never your fault for feeling stuck in a toxic relationship, you did nothing wrong. Just because one person treated you badly doesn’t mean that everyone will.
Although we might not know our purpose on this earth, one thing we do know is that our life is short and can end at any moment. We mustn’t waste it on people who bring us nothing but pain, self-doubt, and agony. And we all deserve to be treated with respect and to be loved properly.
Know your worth and value because if you don’t no one will do it for you.
Until next time, love and cherish yourself.